The Color of Research

Last year a body of research was being touted by the local media, television and newspapers, as a potential breakthrough in medical practice. Actual funding was spent on this breakthrough----a simple matter of having hospital gowns matched to the color of the patients' skin, so the examining physician, in possession of a baseline complexion tone as presented by the color of the afore-matched gown, would be able to detect any variation in skin color, which would be an invaluable aid in diagnosing the patient's ailment. So the patient would probably need a gown for each season, as many complexions vary with the amount of sun exposure. The match-up to skin color is bound to be very tricky and difficult to synchronize, as anyone who has ever tried to match paint colors would testify. Did you ever realize how many different shades of white there are, not to mention beige or tawny or ecru or ivory, or tan or brown? Manufacturing and dyeing of these gowns is bound to be be an involved and painstaking process, and designating and labeling a monumental task. What is your normal complexion color---check your foundation color in the cosmetic department and have that translated into a number; if not your face that is to match the gown, choose a body part you want to display. Tanning booths or spray tans would have to be reported to the examining doctor as well. Oh, don't forget to note that winter trip to Florida. And you women, be sure to remove your makeup in case your doctor color keys your gown to your face. I don't know how many gowns each patient would need for seasonal variations in skin color. And where would the gown be kept, by the patient or stored by the medical facility the patient is treated at. As far as laundering goes, the gowns certainly couldn't be bleached, or washed with a very strong detergent. If you've ever had occasion to don one of the gowns for a medical procedure, you're sure to have seen the various degrees of fading exhibited in the stack of gowns. I don't know about most doctors, but I and many of my acquaintances have visited doctors who barely have the time or the inclinaton to read through patient records. I can't even imagine a doctor's visit where the doctor would scrutinize the patient's skin color and compare the color to that of the gown to see if there has been any change. If indeed there is a notceable change, severe pallor or flushing would most likely be evident anyway. But I can only imagine a doctor's saying: "Your skin color seems to be several shades different from the color of your gown. You should probably undergo a blood test. Either that, or you need to buy a new gown."

What is a URL?

What is a URL?

Too late the phalarope

So when I was a little kid, I wanted to grow up to be a person who uttered famous quotations. I outgrew that lost hope, don't even text or tweet or submit to You Tube, so I guess I'll never be famous. But my later version of the ideal vocation would have ultimately turned out to be even more ill-fated. You see, I read this article in I think it was The Atlantic about a man who was an expert on the works of William Shakespeare. As I recall, he lived in an upscale apartment, probably in NYC, and people from all over the country and indeed the world consulted him whenever they needed an appropriate quotation from the works of Shakespeare. College professors, business tycoons, clergymen, politicians, speakers from all walks of life who wanted a dignified, salient addition to their speeches or articles would ask this man who knew Shakespeare backward and forward, and who could be counted on to provide them with exactly the reference they were looking for. He was immensely respected for his knowledge, and made a good living for providing the sought-after quotation for the proper event. I happened to own The Complete Works of Shakespeare, and told my young self that if that job hadn't already been taken, I could have pretty much memorized a great deal of Shakespeare's works, and was convinced I could have matched an apt quotation to whatever situation was asked for. I thought I would have loved that job. I should have invented google instead.

Good Thing I Didn't Follow Through

When I was a child and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I always answered that I didn't know. Nobody had much back then, including hope, and our family fit in that mold; it would have seemed presumptuous and immodest to act as if we could control our future. So I said I had no idea but I really did have a secret aspiration. I wanted to be in one of the few books our family owned, and that was Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. My father was a history buff. He was born at the end of the 19th Century, and was pretty much an expert on all of the history as was then recorded in the textbooks of the day. He used to ask us kids who said "Don't give up the ship, I only regret I have but one life to give for my country, War is hell." I figured that if I had been in any one of those situations, I might have come up with that exact quote, or maybe even a better one that would be worth inclusion in Bartlett's book. The only one I wasn't sure of was "Don't fire til you see the whites of their eyes." I didn't think I could have come up with that one.

A Loss for Words

New words come into our language, and are added to the dictionaries: staycation, jeggings, LOL, tweetup, unfriend, roadkill. And some are inevitably lost or listed as archaic, obsolete, etc. I can think of one perfectly good word which is neither archaic or outdated in meaning, but is hardly ever used any more. The word is "frightening." Whereas the word once was used to describe a harrowing or unsettling experience or scenario, anything formerly considered frightening is now referred to as "scary." A scary tsunami, the scary prospect of nuclear fallout, a victim of a dreadful assault as having lived through a scary experience. Once scary was used in relation to little children and Halloween sights, or for a little animal character in children's literature being lost in a scary woods. Sure, frightening has 3 syllables instead of scary's 2, and 11 letters instead of 5, but is it worth sacrificing the dignity of language for the minimal savings of time or print? Personally, I find it somewhat incongruous and a little humorous when a dignified-looking spokesperson for some agency or another labels a major threat to our economy or world peace or survival of the planet as being "scary." BOO!

Where the sidewalk ended

I was walking along the sidewalk in my town, near the big yellow house across from what used to be the Catholic church, but now in business as "The Brick Elephant." I was looking down briefly at some cards in my hand, when I suddenly fell into a pit where the sidewalk had been taken up, ostensibly for repair, but a lot of time had passed. The orange warning cones had been removed, if indeed they'd ever been placed there. The hole was deep, several feet, and I landed on my feet. I felt a shock in both ankles and a feeling of pressure in the back of my head, but otherwise was unharmed.

Swimming to Fishphobia

There were fish in the room, all over the room, apparently swimming in air, medium sized fish they were. Also, one small yellow kitten. Signs were posted around the room, from all points of view. "Don't look," they warned. I looked anyway of course, although out of the side of my eye. The kitten was being swallowed by one of the fishes, hardly big enough to swallow it all at once, but working on it.