"Black Dog" Depression

  That is what combat veterans called it. Here is how it felt:
    "I do feel I love you. The problem being, this damn depression.  I seem to have very little or no feelings.  My perception on everything seems to be numb and gray. I'm not doing this on purpose, I seem to have lost control of my emotions.
    My feelings, for what used to be important to me, have vanished, god, church, family, responsibilities, and not least of all, you.
   I continually feel that this will change, but everything seems to stay the same, "in the real world."  I struggle with this daily, my feelings for you, against this numbness, and feeling I am wasting your time, with the strong emotion that I don't want to lose you, but am I being selfish, fair to you, fair to our relationship. It's a constant struggle with: am I going to start feeling better before it's too late, is this numbness going to continue forever?
  I've thought many times of going our separate ways, but when it comes down to it, I know my feelings for you are too strong. Soul mates? as we used to say.
   When I'm thinking of going our separate ways is when I feel I'm ruining your life.  Like I say, "I don't even want to be around myself." I don't understand how you can put up with me sometimes. As I said before, I keep waiting and wanting to feel "better," but it doesn't seem to be happening.
    I sometimes get glimpses of how I used to feel, but they're very brief. The hope and desire is there.
    I know this doesn't solve anything or is anything new. I want you to know I love you and want to continue our relationship.
                                                                                  Love, X"
  This was shared with me at the time, and it was a deeply painful time. Both are gone now, and I'll delete in a while, but the letter does tell the story of how depression affects lives.