The 5 W's of Journalism

Who, What, When, Where, Why?
    Let me add-----WTH?
I know it's a holiday edition, but reading The Record's Opinion Page  this morning sent me into a state of befuddlement.  What the heck are the writers trying to say? What message are they attempting to get across? 
  John Ostwald tips us off with his column heading, "Then & Now" (or "Then + Now"). Take your pick.    He further elaborates with a sub-heading "Share those experiences."   He says he is interested in having viewers share their unforgettable experiences of attending different wakes, and goes on to describe his own recollections, influenced, he points out, by the style and experience of the undertaker.  He narrates details, from the best to the worst.  His best memory is being passionately kissed by a young girl whom he, as an older man, bent to give a platonic hug.   Forget submitting your wake experiences.  Who can top that?  Rest in peace to the corpse.
    Remember the old projection that if you locked an infinite number of monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite period of time that they would write the entire Bible?  I think those monkeys must be typing away in a room somewhere and periodically submitting their efforts to The Record under the name of Edmund Day.  What else can explain his circuitous attempts at making some point or other while his logic is irretrievably tangled up with a mishmash of fact and fiction and dogmatic opinion. 
     The rather creepily written "Guest Editorial" from Contra Costa Times (whatever that is) doesn't come across very clearly either, but does have the guts to admit  "taking an opinion holiday," and leaving the reader to decide.  I did.
  Skip over to Siobhan, whoever, renowned mother of two, and try to decipher whatever issue she's going for.  Her kids are geniuses and she needs to shield them from the ignorance and brutality of the world around them.
      I'm abandoning the newspaper for now; I'm reading Life of Pi----don't quite get that either.  Oh, well.....