DID I HAVE YOU AT GOOD-BYE?

Did you ever notice how many television and radio interview guests, when host thanks them for their appearance say "Thank you for having me." I think I would stick with you're welcome.

NOT ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

Our high school physics teacher was called out of town because his father fell ill. Things had not been going well in the classroom for him or us. Teacher and students alike were struggling, some more than others. It was mid-April and a temporary substitute was called in. For whatever reason, Mr. L. never returned to resume his teaching duties and the class never learned why. But we had Ms. R., a brilliant and somewhat ferocious sub who was determined to shape us up for the Regents exam. Her work was cut out for her, as we soon learned we were sadly in arrears as to the basic knowledge of physics. I thought there was no hope for me until one day Ms. R. stood at the front of the classroom, her determination to teach us something, anything, at this late date prompting her to make this statement: " I don't care if you learn anything else from this class but this one thing. Newton's Third Law of Physics states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction!" I felt strangely reassured though by this time my knowledge of physics was minimal at best. Fool that I was. Decades later, that is still all I know about physics. Which brings to mind that I still can relate the Chemistry formula NaCl+ H2SO4--NaHSo4 + 2 HCl (yielded as a gas)This might be right but I don't know why really. If I could just delete some of this mind clutter, I could learn something that matters.

TRUTH IN JEOPARDY

"Jeopardy," the TV show, is a pop culture American phenomenon, and as such reflects the concept of presenting fiction as truth. During the break from answering questions, in what is meant, I suppose, as a way of getting to know the contestants, each contestant relates a biographical anecdote or adventure. How many of these little snippets are actual events. do you think. Lately, even Mr. Trebeck seems to doubt the truth, even though he's probably responsible for that segment being included. Some of the stories are obviously embellished, some seem totally contrived, and a few I recognize as lifted from late night talk show interviews with celebrities, some of whom no doubt have writers to help them with their appearance interviews. So much of it is at least loosely scripted. One Jeopardy contestant repeated a celebrity's story about running in a marathon almost word for word. I guess everybody's doing it, but I wonder why. Sometimes everyone on Jeopardy seems to be embarrassed to have to do the bit.

THE "F" WORD, DO WE ALL USE IT?

    She was 11 years old, doing her homework in the living room while I was tutoring her younger brother in the kitchen. She was completing a social studies crossword puzzle and she called out for the spelling of "Kaifu." I answered from the kitchen: "K,A,I" and then "F,U." Her brother, mother, she and I all laughed at the remark, no problem, an innocent remark mimicking the obscene expression. I kind of apologized for the sound of it. Then she came into the room and with all the world-weariness of her 11 years, stated that it should be no surprise to hear F U come from anyone's mouth, as everyone says it. I told her that I for one did not use that expression, and neither did "everybody else." I felt safe saying that because I knew that she had not or ever would hear me utter that phrase. But secretly I feel a little guilty that a kid has to know so much about life.

WOULD YOU KILL? ASK THE LADIES WHO LUNCH

A while ago, it must have been late at night while watching TV, I saw a psychological experiment about human behavior, (of course.) The scenario was 5 railroad workers on 1 track, 1 worker on another track. A high speed train is bearing down on the 5 workers, bringing certain death to all, with no chance for them to escape. The question posed was would you pull a switch to divert the train from that track to the track with the single worker. Most of the subjects asked would do so. Part 2 set the same scenario with a stocky man looking over a railroad trestle. Pushing him off the bridge would also divert the train, saving 5 lives at the expense of 2 lives, the worker and the pushee. Most of the subjects asked would not push the man. There is so much potential for discussion of individual responsibility, avoidance issues, etc., that I posed this question to "The Girls" I lunch with on a semi-regular basis. Subject A pretty much went with the same behavior as the test group. Subject B refused to consider the question. She considered it not right and would not allow even her hypothetical self to contemplate making any kind of decision. Subject C said she could not answer unless she knew the identity of the 6 or 7 subjects, because 1 of them could have been Jesus. So am I to infer that I am not lunching with ordinary people or that they don't trust me enough to role-play? And what are we going to talk about at the next luncheon, if they invite me?

PRESIDENTIAL RACE RELATIONS & THE HAMMER

The title sounds so pompous, but it seems that prejudice, positive prejudice. and efforts to understand the difference have come to light in a new way. I just watched an episode of "The View" and thought it was very unsettling. Maybe that's a good idea, to discuss race in an open manner without bitterness. But I don't think we're there yet and maybe even going back a little. Whoopi Goldberg speaks as a black person and tells Elizabeth that she, as a white person, can not ever take off her "white goggles." I read a wonderful book by Shelby Steele, "A Bound Man" and he addresses the issue of Obama's candidacy in a sensitive and insightful manner. I don't think it is helpful in any way to use one's race as a sacred hammer to pound in the fact that it's impossible and futile for one person to try to understand another unless they're the same color. The hope does lie with our children and the future, but why close the door on the present. And to assume that you speak for an entire race just because you are of that race seem to me to be presumptive and demeaning.

SENIOR SADISTS

So it's a ladies' lunch. It's an organization, so there is a speaker to give meaning to the occasion. There must be a program, and afterwards there's coffee and cake. And conversation of course. Someone mentions gardening and a radio master gardener who advises on pest control. One woman says that her home and garden have been beset by red squirrels. But she sets a live-catch trap and baits it with peanut butter. She used to have her son come and shoot the captured squirrel, but one day the son was away, and when she checked the trap 24 hours later , the squirrel was dead. So now, she says, she doesn't bother to call him anymore. She just lets the squirrels die. When I say the poor things must die from thirst, starvation, heat, cold, whatever, she answers that it only takes them 24 hours to die. The meeting concludes with the National Anthem and a prayer.

THE BODY OF AN AT/AT

The large gray plastic body lies in my living room looking like the next of kin of the dinosaurs. It's a Star Wars All Terrain Armored Transport of 1970's vintage, recently retrieved from the attic. It looks kind of ghostly, lying on its side, legs splayed and mouth agape. The four-year-old has finished playing with it for today, and seems to have lost interest after applying his own set of rules as to how to play with this toy. The AT AT is not the only ghost in the room. Vivid memories of the original owner surface, and the long unheard childish voice which once commanded the beast echo in the room. I can not bear to look at it any longer. I wish someone would put it away someplace.

ONCE THEY WERE ANGELS

"You sound shrill; what's the matter with you?" When you answer the phone, that's not what you want to hear.Why is it that someone asks that question?

Older people are happier. Yeah, right!

Old people are more content because they no longer have much capacity to enjoy the things they used to aspire to. They lack the health, money, means, and most importantly the time to savor what once made them happy, so they settle for the little things in life, and delude themselves into believing that what they have is just what they wanted.

WOODEN LEGS AND HOLLOW HEADS

This week on The View, Whoopi said that when she drank, she could hold her drinks as she had a wooden leg. Everyone chimed in on the discussion that followed as if she had used the correct idiom. No one ventured to suggest that she might mean a person who could tolerate alcohol has a hollow leg. But maybe they're afraid to mess with her.